A son of kenya

A Son of Kenya
By
Alex Burke

Original Story by Alex Burke

@Copyright Nov. 2010 BurkeAlex@Yahoo.com
Case # 1-522555891 (858)625-0241 home
(858)337-1695 cell

INT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The First Lady of the United States, MADELEINE MCADAMS(37),
an auburn haired beauty, sits are her boudoir in her private
bedroom.

Standing by her side, experimenting with combinations of
necklaces and bracelets, is JELSMA JONES(35), aka "JJ," her
personal assistant, an African-American woman.
The First Lady sneezes loudly and blows her nose.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
I hope I don’t sneeze in the
President’s face.
JJ
Wives sneeze on their husbands all
the time.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I mean the President of Kenya.

JJ
What’s the Swahili word for
"gesundheit?"
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Good question. Google it for me,
will you JJ? Just in case.
JJ
First I’m going to give you some
anti-histamines.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Don’t mention that word to me.
"Auntie." My sister just had a
baby. Now I’m Auntie Maddy.

JJ
You’re next.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I wish. We’ve been trying for 17
years. Madison wouldn’t know a
rubber if it bit him on the dick.
He may be high in the polls but
he’s low in the sperm count.
JJ
Have him tested.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Oh sure. Can you imagine if it
leaked out. The Tonight Show.
"Government Accounting Office holds
President responsible for labor
shortage." "President fails to
address the deficit." "Presidential
poll - down for the count." It
would never end.
JJ
Well keep trying.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
We do. Almost every night. He’s
hornier than Bill Clinton with a
cigar.

JJ gives her two tablets.
JJ
Here. Take these. But be careful.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Careful of what?
JJ
There’ll be champagne tonight,
right?

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Of course. All the hypocrites will
be toasting each other’s health,
while wishing them dead at the same
time.

JJ
With this stuff in your system, one
glass has the knockout power of a
whole bottle. So don’t take more
than just one sip.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
(singing to the tune of "Just One
Look.") Just one sip. That’s all it
took. Just one sip. JJ, I hate
these affairs. Let’s cancel. Say
I’m "indisposed."
JJ
We can’t cancel, girl. You’ve got
to butter up the President of
Kenya. He’s swimming in oil, and we
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

JJ (cont’d)
want it now, and we want it cheap.
Remember Jackie Kennedy and the
President of France.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
If I hear her name one more time
I’m going to resign. French my ass.
The only French she spoke was with
her tongue.

JJ
Girl, you can’t resign.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
And why not? If Richard Nixon could
resign as President, I can
certainly resign as First Lady.
JJ
The Constitution makes no provision
for the resignation of the First
Lady.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
So you’re saying it would be
unconstitutional.
JJ
That’s right. The Supreme Court
would rule against you.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
The Supreme Court ! What do those
old farts know? They go around with
their noses in the air like they’re
sniffing God’s butt. I’ll have
Madison veto their decision.
JJ
Girl, the President cannot veto a
Supreme Court decision. Only bills
that Congress passes. You’re stuck.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Okay. Okay. I’ll go. This so-called
President of Kenya, who I’m sure
hacked his way to power with the
sharpest machete in the box, how am
I supposed to butter him up?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 4.

JJ
Use your imagination.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
I don’t have to imagine what kind
of buttering up he wants. If he so
much as lays a hand on me, I’ll
have the Secret Service throw him
out of his own party.

JJ
I’ve heard he’s not that bad.
Oxford and Cambridge educated.
Devilishly handsome. Black as
midnight. A buff physique. Charming
smile, and a great sense of humor.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I’m sure he finds torturing his
political opponents very amusing.

JJ
Well you have to go. If we don’t
get our hands on their oil, gas
prices skyrocket and the
President’s popularity plummets.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Who cares? We’re outta here in a
year.
JJ
And your husband goes down in
history as the man who couldn’t man
the pump.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Okay. I’ll drink a toast to him,
but no butter on it. (pause) By the
way, how many wives does he have?
JJ
One official one. You’ll meet her
tonight. And five more back in
Kenya.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Six wives total? Should I laugh or
feel sorry for him? Any children?

JJ
Thirteen. Would you believe it. All
girls.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Well, that’s a blow to his African
manhood, is it not?
JJ
To say the least. He’s already had
three witch doctors executed, and
he’s threatening to chop off the
head of wife number six if she
doesn’t deliver the goods in a
week.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Shades of Henry the Eighth. Just do
amnio on the poor thing and take
her out of her misery.

JJ
She refuses. She’s a Mau Mau. Says
she’ll kill herself if anybody in a
white smock even looks at her.
She’s convinced her witch doctor
can pull it off. I can’t blame her.
She’s only thirteen.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
An unlucky number.
JJ
I’m afraid her days are numbered.
She’s due any day.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
What’s his name again?

JJ
Mojo Kenyatta.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Well it might be interesting.
Better than the President of China.
Boring.
JJ
Remember about the champagne. Just
one sip.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Right. Just one sip.
She stands and JJ helps her into her evening gown while the
song "Just One Look" plays in the background.

6.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - NIGHT
The President of the United States, MADISON MCADAMS(51),and
the Vice-President of the United States, REEFER RUFUS
RAFER(51), sit facing each other on opposing sofas, each
dressed in a tuxedo.

The Vice President is a big-boned, heavy featured,
formidably built black man.
PRESIDENT
After the bash take Kenyatta to
your office and squeeze the oil out
of him. I want 75 bucks a barrel
and 20 million barrels a day. Firm.
Non-negotiable.

VICE-PRESIDENT
He’ll never go for it.
PRESIDENT
Play the tribal loyalty card. Your
grandfather’s from Kenya.

VICE-PRESIDENT
No such luck. My grandfather was a
Kikuyu, and Kenyatta is a Mau Mau.
They kill on sight.

PRESIDENT
What started it?
VICE-PRESIDENT
During the Middle Ages, a
fundamental disagreement on Church
doctrine regarding the
transubstantiation of the Holy
Eucharist into the body and blood
of Christ.

PRESIDENT
No wiggle room on that one. Kill or
be killed. Seriously, it’s your
problem. In a year I’m out of here,
on my ranch in Montana, but you, my
friend, need low gas and even lower
unemployment to get elected
dogcatcher, let alone President.
VICE-PRESIDENT
He knows the politics. I’m over a
barrel.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 7.

PRESIDENT
Make him an offer he can’t refuse.
VICE-PRESIDENT
That went out of style 40 years
ago. I’m not the Godfather.

PRESIDENT
Some things never go out of style.
Make sure your surveillance system
is turned on. Maybe he’ll let
something slip and we can blackmail
him into the deal. We’ll loosen him
up with plenty of champagne.
VICE-PRESIDENT
Mr. President, there is one thing
you should know about Kenyans. Our
tolerance for drugs and alcohol is
exceeded only by our propensity for
violence and our insatiable sexual
appetite. Three bottles of
champagne and a ganja stick as big
as his dick would phase him not in
the slightest. Not like certain
white individuals with whom I am
familiar.
PRESIDENT
And to whom are you referring?
VICE-PRESIDENT
To your best estimation, the sum
total of the times at Harvard I
hauled your drunken white ass back
to our room after but a modicum of
indulgence...
PRESIDENT
Let’s see. Thirty six weeks in the
school year. Two party nights per
week. That’s 72, times four years,
so I’d say 288 times.
VICE-PRESIDENT
We’ll round to 300 and call it
square.
PRESIDENT
Maddy’s the same way. Oh shit.
We’re late. She hates it when I’m
late. Remember, Mojo Kenyatta in
your office. 75 a barrel. If you
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

PRESIDENT (cont’d)
pull it off, I might even vote for
you. Let’s go.

The President and First Lady, and their Kenyan counterparts,
stand together, four across, at the top of the stairs.
PRESIDENT
Mr. President, may I present my
wife, the First Lady of the United
States, Mrs. Madeleine McAdams.
KENYATTA
The pleasure is mine.

They shake hands, their eyes meet, they smile, and something
happens.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
You’ll have to excuse me. I’m not
myself tonight. I’ve caught a bad
cold. Undoubtedly caused by the
White House drafts.
KENYATTA
My sincere wishes for your most
speedy recovery. Health is our most
precious commodity. Mr. President.
Mrs. McAdams. The First Lady of
Kenya.

They nod and they shake hands. All four descend the stairs.

INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT
President McAdams stands at the podium.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Honored guests. Ladies and
gentlemen. Tonight is a joyous
occasion. The President and First
Lady of Kenya join with us to
celebrate the close ties between
our two countries. I toast to their
health and happiness, and to the
health and happiness of their
entire family.

The First Lady takes one small sip.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

President Kenyatta downs the contents of his glass in one
gulp.
The Vice-President does the same.
Waiter hurries over to refill both men’s glasses.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D)
Tonight is not a political event,
but I must emphasize that we live
in perilous times. There is an
energy crisis in the United States,
due to the difficulty of importing
oil at an equitable price.
He glances at President Kenyatta.

The Arab-Israeli issue remains
unresolved.
He looks at the Israeli ambassador and then to an Arab
diplomat dressed in a long, white flowing robe.

An Asian nation is attempting to
dominate the world - economically
and otherwise.

He looks at the Chinese ambassador.
And finally - terrorism. So I
propose a toast. To the resolution
of these problems.

gulp.

If I’m not mistaken, our
distinguished Vice-President would
like to add a few words. Ladies and
gentleman, Vice-President Reefer
Rafer Rufus, no Rafer Rufus Reefer,
wait a minute, Rufus Reefer Rafer,
damn after all these years I still
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS (CONT’D) (cont’d)
can’t get it right, Reefer Rufus
Rafer.

The Vice President stands to the podium.
VICE PRESIDENT
That’s quite all right, Mr.
President. I’m used to it.
Regarding the President’s words, I
could not agree more. These are the
key issues of our times. I
pronounce them "The Four Points."
We don’t need fourteen. "The Four
Points." A toast. To the man who
stands to face them down. Whoever
that may be. "The Four Points."
gulp.

VICE PRESIDENT(CONT’D)
On a personal note. I am called the
first African-American
Vice-President. That is not true. I
am the first Kenyan American
Vice-President. My grandfather was
of the Kikuyu tribe. I am a son of
Kenya, and now, in America, my son
attends Harvard.
He gives Kenyatta a hard stare.

VICE PRESIDENT(CONT’D)
To the United States of America.

gulp.

The Vice-President stands down and Kenyatta ascends to the
podium.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

KENYATTA
I too view "The Four Points" with
trepidation, but Kenya is not
afraid.

He gives the Vice-President a hard stare.
KENYATTA (CONT’D)
Together we shall overcome all
difficulties. America has a partner
in Kenya. I toast to our
friendship.
gulp.

The First Lady stands and staggers two steps towards the
President. She whispers in his ear.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I’m drunk as a skunk. I’m going to
go splash some water on my face.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Try to smile on your way out.
She staggers out of the room.
The white-gloved waiters serve the first course - a lobster
bisque.
One of the waiters accidentally spills a large portion onto
the front of President Kenyatta’s shirt and tuxedo jacket.

Kenyatta rises quickly from his seat, grabs a napkin and
wipes himself off.
WAITER
Mr. President, I am so sorry.
Please forgive me.

KENYATTA
That’s quite all right, young man.
Accidents will happen.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Are you okay?
KENYATTA
Fine. Fine. If you could please
direct me to the men’s room.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Top of the main staircase. Turn to
the right. End of the hallway.

KENYATTA
Thank you. I shall return
presently.


TOP OF THE STAIRS
KENYATTA
(to himself)
Did he say left or right?
He turns and walks to the left, and stops half-way down the
hall, adjacent to the Vice-President’s office.
The First Lady approaches him from the restroom at the end
of the hall.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
(slurring her speech))
What happened to you?

KENYATTA
An accident with the waiter. It’s
nothing.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Let me help you.
She presses her body against his.
She begins wiping the stain with her hand.

KENYATTA
That’s quite all right. Thank you.
She extends her free hand to the crotch area of his trousers
and rubs in a slow, circular motion.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
It’s so hard. I like it.
She backs him into the Vice-President’s office.
She kicks off her shoes, lifts her dress to waist level,
takes off her panties, and lays down on her back on the
carpeted floor.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Fuck me !

Kenyatta quickly steps out of his trousers and boxer shorts,
and they engage in sexual intercourse.
He ejaculates into her, groaning softly.

They lay together motionless for several seconds.
He rises, dresses, and leaves the room.
She does the same, a moment later.

A blinking green light behind a grate on the ceiling.

INT. BANQUET ROOM - NIGHT
The First Lady re-enters, looking very pale.

She staggers over to the President and whispers in his ear.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I’m going to be sick.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
(to the Attache)
Get the nurse in her now.
The ATTACHE takes out his cell phone.

JJ runs in and escorts the First Lady from the room..
As they exit, the First Lady brushes shoulders with
President Kenyatta re-entering the room, neither taking the
slightest notice of one another.

14.

INT. VICE-PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - NIGHT
Vice-President Reefer Rufus Rafer and Kenyan President Mojo
Kenyatta sit across from one another at the Vice-President’s
massive desk.
VICE PRESIDENT
The President appreciates your
concern. The First Lady is doing
well.
KENYATTA
A gracious and lovely woman.
VICE PRESIDENT
And I reciprocate as regards the
First Lady of Kenya.
KENYATTA
Thank you.

VICE PRESIDENT
How old was she when they cut her
clit off?
KENYATTA
It is the custom of my tribe.

VICE PRESIDENT
Your tribe is witch doctors and
superstition. My tribe is education
and the intelligentsia.

KENYATTA
And my tribe considers it a great
disgrace to not safeguard the life
of a man’s wife.

VICE PRESIDENT
There is no defense against
disease, and may your Mau Mau witch
doctors be damned.
KENYATTA
It is a fool who disbelieves in a
spirit greater than himself.
VICE PRESIDENT
And it’s a lesser man, or not a man
at all, who lacks the manhood to
procreate a son. From Harvard my
son sends his warm regards.
Kenyatta hangs his head in shame.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

KENYATTA
We’re here to discuss the price of
oil.
VICE PRESIDENT
75 dollars a barrel. 20 million
barrels a day.
KENYATTA
Do you take me for a fool? 85 a
barrel.

VICE PRESIDENT
I don’t take you for a fool. You
are a fool. 75 a barrel.
KENYATTA
85.
VICE PRESIDENT
75.
For several iterations their respective mantras remain in an
"85 75" loop.
VICE PRESIDENT
Let’s settle this the Kenyan way.
Man to man.

KENYATTA
Yes. The Kenyan way. Man to man.
They stand, take off their tuxedo jackets, roll up their
sleeves, sit back down, and begin to arm wrestle.

They resume their "85 75" mantra.
Their eyes lock and beads of sweat form on their foreheads,
but neither side can gain an advantage.

The tension rises to an unbearable level of strength and
will.
President McAdams bursts into the room.
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Knock it off. Now.
The two combatants relax.
VICE PRESIDENT
He won’t budge.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

KENYATTA
He won’t budge.
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Give him the contract.

The Vice-President takes a contract out of his top desk
drawer and tosses it on the desk.
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Sign it. Now!

Kenyatta scans the contract, tears it in half, and throws
the scraps in the air.
KENYATTA
Take your toilet paper and wipe
your ass. You’re a lame duck, and I
ain’t no band leader.
He storms out of the room.
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Evidently he’s acquainted with "The
Godfather."
VICE PRESIDENT
Yes, but where’s our Luca Brasi, to
make him an offer he can’t refuse?

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
He’s out there. Don’t worry. We’ll
find him.
VICE PRESIDENT
From your mouth to God’s ear.

INT. PRESIDENTIAL BEDROOM - NIGHT
The First Lady is sprawled in bed, half asleep.

The President disrobes down to his boxer shorts and gets in
bed beside her.
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
How are you feeling?
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Much better, but I don’t remember a
thing after the fourth toast.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 17.

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
The waiter spilled soup all over
Kenyatta.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
That’s right. I remember something
about soup all over his shirt.
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
You were out of the room when it
happened.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I was? Well, the whole evening is a
blur. What about the oil?

PRESIDENT MCADAMS
No deal. The Vice-President is not
tough enough. We need somebody hard
as nails.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Like you?
PRESIDENT MCADAMS
Like me seven years ago. Wearing a
velvet glove. My heart’s not in
this kind of fight anymore. I’m on
my way out.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Not with me you’re not.

They make love.

INT. KENYA PRESIDENTIAL PALACE - DAY

President Mojo Kenyatta sits at the head of a long mahogany
conference table. He wears a military uniform and his
expression is menacing.
Six high level cabinet ministers, each attired in a dark
suit, white shirt, and maroon tie, three on each side of the
table.
They look fearful.
KENYATTA
Today we face a national crisis. My
wife has delivered herself of
(disparagingly) "a female child."
The ministers exchange wary glances.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

KENYATTA
My wives have failed me.
MINISTER ONE
You must take another.

Kenyatta bangs his fist on the table.
KENYATTA
No. The Great Spirit speaks. He
calls for vengeance. Vengeance and
blood. To lift this curse. When the
Great Spirit is appeased, then I
shall have a son. Until then,
vengeance and blood.
MINISTER TWO
Are we not gathered together to
hear your most sublime and wise
pronouncement?
KENYATTA
I am a man educated in the ways of
Western justice. We chop off their
heads.
MINISTER THREE
A most excellent suggestion. After
a fair trial, of course.

KENYATTA
Not necessarily. First the
sentence, then the verdict, then
the trial. It’s in "Alice in
Wonderland."

MINISTER FOUR
As fine a work of literature as
ever written, but may I make a
counter suggestion to that of my
most distinguished colleague?
KENYATTA
If you value your life, it had
better be a good one. Proceed.

MINISTER FOUR
A signed confession from each of
them. Think Joseph Stalin and the
Great Purge of 1932.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

MINISTER FIVE
And if I may be so bold to ask,
what precisely is the charge?
KENYATTA
Treason, of course. Each of you
shall prepare an airtight case
against one of my wives, fully
documented, together with a freely
coerced signed confession. The
world must see that I am a man of
justice. After all, we are not
savages.
MINISTER SIX
And when do you decree this task be
done?

KENYATTA
I want each head on a platter by
sunrise tomorrow, and fed to the
buzzards for breakfast. The Great
Spirit must be appeased.

MINISTER ONE
And how are we to choose the one
who meets the justice of which you
so nobly speak?

KENYATTA
As fine a question as ever has been
asked, but anticipated, most
assuredly anticipated.

He removes his military cap, into which he places six scraps
of paper.
He pushes the cap to the center of the table.
KENYATTA
Proceed.
The ministers draw from the cap.
MINISTER ONE
Akihla. The First Lady.

KENYATTA
Good. Make it slow. I’ll never
forgive her for twin girls..

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

MINISTER TWO
Ghinjo.
MINISTER THREE
Fatuma.

MINISTER FOUR
Habiba.
MINISTER FIVE
Ramia.

MINISTER SIX
Fafa ! Sir, with all due respect,
she’s only thirteen.
KENYATTA
Her lucky number. Send her back to
her daddy’s farm. He’s a loyal
tribesman. Remember, you Oxford
educated, kinky haired, pearl
teethed, flat nosed, rhinoceros
horned, leopard clawed,
black-skinned, blood soaked
bastards. (pompously) "The quality
of mercy is not strained...it is an
attribute of God himself." William
Shakespeare. "The Merchant of
Venice."

MINISTER SIX
Your erudition bespeaks your
wisdom.

KENYATTA
All of you. Get to work. I have a
meeting scheduled with the Chinese
ambassador. They want to trade rice
for oil. Don’t those people ever
quit? How stupid do they think we
are? After all, we’re not
Americans.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - DAY

Time lapse of eight and one-half months.

21.

INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION ROOM - DAY
A long line of people extends from a table where First Lady
Madeleine McAdams is seated.
She signs autographs of her book.

JJ stands directly behind her.
The First Lady stands and stretches, revealing a near full
term pregnancy.

WOMAN ONE
I loved the part about your days as
an actress, doing "The Taming of
the Shrew."

MADELEINE MCADAMS
We’ll be doing a sequel soon. On
the stiletto high-heel business.
We’re calling it "The Framing of
the Shoe." But don’t worry. There’s
a point to it.

WOMAN ONE
(laughing)
I think it’s wonderful that you are
donating all the proceeds to
charity.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
So many African orphans need our
help.

MONTAGE:
Signings, smiles and casual conversation.

INT. WHITE HOUSE RECEPTION ROOM - DAY
The agents close the door.
One WOMAN remains. Unkempt appearance, pale blue eyes sunken
deeply into her ghostly white face. Pregnant, nearly full
term.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Do you have a book, my dear?
The woman sinks to her knees.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

The Secret Service agents start forward but the First Lady
motions them to stay back.
WOMAN
Please. You must help me. I’m
begging you. Please. Help me.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
What is it, my dear? Tell me.
WOMAN
My family. My family.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
What about your family?
WOMAN
(sobbing)
My husband lost his job. I have
four children at home. Another on
the way. Our house is being
foreclosed. We don’t have enough to
eat.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Please. Stand up. What is your
name?
WOMAN
Viola. Viola Banks. I’m so sorry. I
didn’t mean to disturb you.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
No. That’s quite all right. Mrs.
Banks, I want to help you. Here.
Write down your address. Someone
will be out to see you. I promise.
Mrs. Banks writes on a piece of paper.

JJ leans over and takes it from off the table
WOMAN
Thank you. You are very kind.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I see that you and I have something
in common
WOMAN
Yes. Five is my lucky number.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
It’s my first, you know.
Suddenly the woman’s water breaks.
The amniotic water trickles out from under her skirt.

She doubles over in pain.
WOMAN
It’s starting. Oh...

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Get her to a hospital. Now.
A Secret Service agents rushes her out of the room.

The First Lady stands and turns to JJ.
MADELEINE MCADAMS (CONT’D)
Don’t lose that address.

INT. PRIVATE BEDROOM - NIGHT
The First Lady lies flat on her back on the floor, her knees
elevated, breathing deeply.
JJ kneels by her side.

JJ
One two. One two. Breathe deep.
Good. One two. One two. Breathe
deep. Good. One two. One two.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
JJ. It’s starting. I can feel it.
Something’s moving.
JJ
Relax girl. That’s just the first
contraction. We have plenty of
time.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
No. No. No. It’s coming out. The
baby’s coming out.
JJ strips off the First Lady’s sweat pants.
JJ
Oh my God. This is the fastest I’ve
ever seen. Hold on girl. You’re
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

JJ (cont’d)
right. I can see the top of the
head already. Push girl. Push.
Push. Push. Here it comes.

The First Lady delivers the child.
JJ bites off the umbilical cord. The First Lady ejects the
placenta.
JJ takes the baby by the ankles, turns it over, and swats it
on the butt.
BABY
Wah !
JJ
It’s a boy. It’s a boy.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Oh my God. A boy.
JJ
Get into bed. I’ll be right back.
JJ takes the baby and hurries off into an adjacent bathroom.
The First Lady crawls into bed.

JJ returns with the baby wrapped in a blanket and hands the
bundle to the First Lady.
She looks deeply into the baby’s face, and then slowly
loosens the blanket so as to inspect every inch of the
baby’s body.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
JJ ?
JJ
I know.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
This baby is a "knee grow."
JJ
I know.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
How could this happen?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

JJ
You tell me, girl.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
JJ? How long ago was the President
of Kenya here?

JJ
Don’t tell me...
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Just answer the question. How long
ago was he here?
JJ
Let me think. About nine months
ago.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Oh shit.
JJ
What happened?

MADELEINE MCADAMS
That was the night I got so drunk
on the champagne. There was always
something bothering me about that
night.

JJ
Like what?
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Like what do you think? That I had
sex with the President of Kenya on
the floor of the Vice-President’s
office. I thought it was just a
dream.

JJ
For the first time in my life, I am
speechless.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
What do we do? The whole fucking
world knows I’m pregnant.
JJ
I hereby tender my resignation as
your nurse, personal assistant, and
best friend.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Seriously. What do we do?
JJ
Where’s the President?

MADELEINE MCADAMS
He’s in Miami. Campaigning for your
lover boy. He’ll be back tomorrow.
JJ
He ain’t my lover boy no more.
Anyhow, we have until tomorrow to
think of something.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Think of something? We’re stuck.
He’s so cute. Look at that dimple
on his chinny chin chin.
JJ
I know. We’ll kill him, stuff the
body down the new White House
Kenmore garbage disposal, powerful
as hell, and tell the world you had
a miscarriage.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
What a great idea. But you make an
interesting point.
JJ
I do?

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Yes. His name. How about Kenmore?
After Kenyatta. Kenya. Get it. Ken
for short.
JJ
I was thinking Hugo. After Hugo
Black, the Supreme Court justice.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
How about Byron? After Byron White,
another Supreme Court justice.

JJ
You know who my favorite singer is?
James Brown.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Stop. You’re making me laugh, and I
still hurt. Okay. We’ll go with
James. James Kenmore - after the
garbage disposal - Kenyatta. It’s
got a nice ring to it. James
Kenmore Kenyatta.
JJ
I know. I’ll take Baby James, and
say I adopted an African orphan.
Nobody will think a thing of it.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
That’s a great idea, but we’re
still a baby short. Three billion
people know I’m pregnant. I’ve got
to produce something.
JJ
You could buy one on the black
market.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Please. Stop with the jokes
already. It would have to be the
white market. Besides, we don’t
have time to go baby shopping
before Madison gets back.
The First Lady and JJ stare at one another.

JJ
Don’t tell me you’re thinking what
I think you’re thinking, ’cuz
that’s what I’m thinking. (pause)
Viola Banks.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Exactly. The woman at the book
signing. You’ve got her address.
You go and buy her brand new baby
for a million dollars. Cash. So we
don’t leave a paper trail. Be sure
to take your phony CIA card. Tell
her it’s national security
something or other. Besides, for
number five, a million dollars is
going to be hard to resist.

JJ
How are you going to get a million
dollars cash tonight, girl?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 28.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Madison’s got a million dollars
stashed in his safe in the Oval
Office. You know, for instant
bribes, hush money, all that sort
of thing. Only three people know
the combination. Madison. Me. And
our esteemed Vice President, Mr.
Reefer Rufus Rafer.

JJ
Naturally, he’ll get blamed for
stealing it.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Well...yes...but it’s either him or
me.
JJ
I’m not worried. That old dog will
find a way to wiggle out of it. Did
I tell you he dogged me out with
the French President’s wife?
MADELEINE MCADAMS
I’m not surprised. She’s such a
slut. Anyhow, help me down to the
Oval Office. I’d have you go alone,
but it’s eyeball sensitive. And
let’s clean up that afterbirth when
we get back. It stinks.

INT. WHITE HOUSE PRESS ROOM - DAY
President McAdams stands at the podium.
NEWSMAN ONE
Mr. President, on behalf of the
press corps, congratulations on the
birth of your son, and we are all
most gratified to hear that mother
and child are doing well. Have you
and the First Lady decided on a
name?
PRESIDENT
Yes. His full name is Lennon
McCartney McAdams.

NEWSMAN ONE
Sir, that is a bold and righteous
name. I take it you are both
Beatles fans.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 29.

PRESIDENT
Of course. Much more than The
Rolling Stones, but that’s a joke
for later.

NEWSWOMAN ONE
And does the baby favor you?
PRESIDENT
The First Lady is taking credit for
his blond hair and blue eyes, but
he has the cutest round little pink
tummy, just like his daddy.
NEWSMAN TWO
And the godparents?

PRESIDENT
The godfather shall be our esteemed
Vice-President, and next President
of the United States, Rufus Reefer
Rafer...I mean Rafer Rufus
Reefer...I mean Reefer Rufus
Rafer...damn, I still can’t get
that straight. And the godmother,
Miss Jelsma Jones, my wife’s best
friend and closest confidante.
NEWSWOMAN TWO
Sir, most political pundits
attribute your party’s favorable
ratings to your "Four Points"
speech of last year, during the
Kenyan president’s state visit.

PRESIDENT
Yes. That was a most fruitful
occasion.
NEWSWOMAN TWO
Would you mind repeating them, for
the record? They say so much in so
few words.
PRESIDENT
Gladly. One. Reduce the cost of
foreign oil. Two. Resolve the
bitter conflict between Arabs and
Israelis. Three. Fight the threat
of China’s quest for world
domination. Four. End terrorism, no
matter what it takes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 30.

NEWSMAN THREE
Thank you, Mr. President. May God
bless your family.

INT. OVAL OFFICE - DAY
The President and Vice-President sit facing each other on
opposing sofas, drinking brandy and smoking cigars.
PRESIDENT
I’ve got an hour to spare. The
ambassador from Turkey canceled his
appointment. He’s protesting.
VICE PRESIDENT’
Protesting what.

PRESIDENT
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving.
VICE PRESIDENT
Couldn’t you squeeze in the
ambassador from Greece?
PRESIDENT
Greece and Turkey are deadly
enemies.

VICE PRESIDENT
So get the ambassador from Hungary
to mediate.
The President leans back and puffs on his cigar.

PRESIDENT
Where’s the money?
VICE PRESIDENT
What money?

PRESIDENT
The money that you stole.
VICE PRESIDENT
From my brother’s piggy bank?

PRESIDENT’
I didn’t know you had a brother.
VICE PRESIDENT
I ain’t got No-o-o-o brother. We
black folk always be talkin’ ’bout
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 31.

VICE PRESIDENT (cont’d)
brother this and brother that. I
mean, it is common in the black
community for one male to refer to
another black male as his brother.

PRESIDENT
(angrily)
I’m not talking about anybody’s
piggy bank. I’m talking about the
money in my safe.

VICE PRESIDENT
Oh that money. I didn’t steal that
money.
PRESIDENT
Then how did you know it was
stolen?
VICE PRESIDENT
You just told me.

PRESIDENT
No I didn’t. I said I was talking
about it.
VICE PRESIDENT
So it’s still there.

PRESIDENT
No it’s not.
VICE PRESIDENT
How much?
PRESIDENT
You should know.
VICE PRESIDENT
How could I know how much money I
stole if I didn’t steal it?
PRESIDENT
A million dollars.

VICE PRESIDENT
A million dollars ! I thought we
was talkin’ ’bout some real money.
A million dollars of government
money is a fart in a hurricane.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 32.

PRESIDENT
It wasn’t government money. It was
my money. For a down payment on my
ranch.

VICE PRESIDENT
And you think I stole it.
PRESIDENT
I know you stole it.

VICE PRESIDENT
My dear sir, esteemed and honored
President, and best friend, one
cannot possess knowledge of that
which is both inherently untrue, a
priori, and lacks the empirical
evidence necessary to substantiate
the verity of the supposition.
According to Aristotle.
PRESIDENT
Aristotle also states that when
there are only three possibilities
as to what is true, and two of them
can be reduced to logical
absurdities - reducto ad absurdum -
then perforce the third option is
true, by default, and need not be
substantiated with empirical data.
VICE PRESIDENT
Given that access to the safe is
under the purview of but three
individuals, with whom we are well
acquainted, and the safe sleeps
securely, protected by an eyeball
scanning device, then only one
conclusion suggests itself. Maddy
stole the money.

PRESIDENT
I asked her.
VICE PRESIDENT
What did she say?

PRESIDENT
Nothing. She slapped me across the
face. Besides, why would she
possibly want to steal a million
dollars? She’s on top of the world.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 33.

VICE PRESIDENT
Then you stole it.
PRESIDENT
No one can steal his own money.

VICE PRESIDENT
You’re right. It seems that we are
at a bit of an impasse. However,
from my point of view, I know that
Maddy stole it because I know that
I didn’t.
PRESIDENT
Your point of view is known only to
yourself. You must respect my
position. My best friend of 30
years, whose loyalty is as true as
truth itself, denies it. My beloved
wife, the love of my life, the
mother of my son, who lacks the
slightest need to steal, denies it.
I have no choice.

VICE PRESIDENT
What are you saying?
PRESIDENT
You have one week to prove your
innocence. If you can prove that
Maddy did it, and I mean prove,
I’ll find out why, and then forgive
her. If not, I will kill your
candidacy for President of the
United States. This is NOT your
college roommate speaking. You are
excused.
VICE PRESIDENT
Yes sir.

EXT. FRONT PORCH OF BUNGALOW - NIGHT
The Vice President knocks on the door. JJ answers.

JJ
What are you doing sniffin’ ’round
here, you old dog.
VICE PRESIDENT
We need to talk.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 34.

JJ
We don’t need to talk ’bout
’nothin’. Go talk to the Queen of
France.

VICE PRESIDENT
Please. I’m sorry.
JJ
So now you’re sorry ’bout doggin’
me out with that white bitch.

VICE PRESIDENT
I’m begging you. It’s my life.
JJ
Okay. C’mon in. I’ll give you five
minutes.
He enters the house and they sit in the living room.
JJ
Well?

VICE PRESIDENT
The President’s threatening to kill
my candidacy.
JJ
So?
VICE PRESIDENT
He thinks I stole a million dollars
from his safe.

JJ
I’m sure you did.
VICE PRESIDENT
I did not. I’m innocent.

JJ
Nobody’s innocent.
VICE PRESIDENT
JJ. You’ve got to believe me. I’m a
philanderer. I’m a political
scoundrel. But I am not a thief.
JJ
Yes you are. You stole my heart,
before you broke it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 35.

VICE PRESIDENT
It will never happen again.
JJ
You damn straight it will never
happen again, ’cuz your five
minutes is up. You know the way
out.
VICE PRESIDENT
Wait. I’ve got to prove that Maddy
did it.
JJ
(furious)
Get out. Now.

A loud, piercing cry from the next room.
BABY JAMES
Wah !
VICE PRESIDENT
What was that?
JJ
Never you mind.
JJ hurries out of the living room, into the bedroom. The
Vice President follows her.
He sees JJ changing the baby’s soiled diapers.
VICE PRESIDENT
Whose baby is that?

JJ
I thought I told you to get out.
(to Baby James). There. There.
Mommy’s going to change your diapie
wipies. You’re all poopie woopie.
That’s a good boy.
VICE PRESIDENT
Girl. What are you doin’ with that
baby?

JJ
I’m baby sitting.
VICE PRESIDENT
Why you got a crib, a basinette and
a changing table all set up? And
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 36.

all those bottles. Must be some
long-time baby sitting.
JJ
Mind your own damn business.
VICE PRESIDENT
I know when you be lyin’. Is that
your baby?

JJ
Yeah. It’s my baby.
VICE PRESIDENT
You be lyin’ again. I been keepin’
an eye on you. You’ve been flat as
a board. You ain’t been carryin’ no
baby.
JJ
I adopted him. He’s an African
orphan. Look for yourself. He’s
blacker than your black ass.
He peers over the side of the crib.
VICE PRESIDENT
That baby ain’t even a week old.

JJ
So what? I got a good deal at the
baby store. A holiday blow out
sale. All sales final. No refunds.
No returns.
VICE PRESIDENT
How much you pay for him?
JJ
A million dollars.
She puts her hand over her mouth. He notices.
JJ wraps the soiled diaper into a small bundle and places it
on the side table.

The Vice President surreptitiously snatches the bundle and
puts it in his pocket.
She carries the baby out of the room. He follows.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 37.

JJ
Now we gonna get some milky wilky.
Yummy yummy.
VICE PRESIDENT
Excuse me for this untimely
intrusion. I can see that you are
occupied with far more important
matters than my petty political
concerns.

JJ
All I can say is that if he cans
your ass, you deserve it.
VICE PRESIDENT
Like for stealing a million
dollars. It ain’t me who’s gonna
get the can.
JJ
You know where the door is. Use it.
(to Baby James) Oh you’re such a
cutie pie.

INT. VICE-PRESIDENT’S OFFICE - DAY
The Vice-President is at his desk, telephone pressed to his
ear.
VICE PRESIDENT
Have you done the analysis?

SCIENTIST
Concerning the fecal matter smear
sample which your excellency sent
to my office yesterday for DNA
analysis, I would like to remind
our esteemed Vice President that
this is the Food and Drug
Administration, and that fecal
matter, or "shit" to use the
vernacular, by congressional
definition, falls more properly
under the purview of the Department
of Energy. Nevertheless, I was able
to circumvent this restriction by
redefining "food" as that nutrient
substance which both enters and
exits the body through its
respective orifices.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 38.

VICE PRESIDENT
Get to the point.

SCIENTIST
Using a hash algorithm, I ran a
massive cross-referencing search
against our database and was unable
to determine the paternal
progenitor.

VICE PRESIDENT
Oh. Is that all?
SCIENTIST
Not exactly. (pause) Mr. Vice
President, is this a secure line?
VICE PRESIDENT
So secure even the Chinese can’t
hack into it, although they’ve been
trying.

SCIENTIST
As to maternal parentage, I found
an exact match. One hundred percent
certainty.

VICE PRESIDENT
Who’s the mama?
SCIENTIST
Mrs. Madeleine McAdams, the First
Lady of the United States of
America.
VICE PRESIDENT
Holy shit !

SCIENTIST
Yes sir. That would be one way of
putting it.
VICE PRESIDENT
Who knows about these results,
besides yourself?
SCIENTIST
No one. I personally conducted this
test in total secrecy.

VICE PRESIDENT
Very good. Upon my election to the
Presidency, I shall appoint you to
a cabinet level position.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 39.

SCIENTIST
Thank you sir. I am honored to be
of service.
VICE PRESIDENT
One minor point for your
consideration. If you should ever
so much as utter the words "DNA,"
"shit" and "First Lady" in the same
sentence...I will have you killed.
Now, is there anything I just said
that you don’t understand?
SCIENTIST
No sir. You’ve made yourself
perfectly clear. Thank you.

VICE PRESIDENT
Goodbye.
He takes a calendar out of his top desk drawer and counts
back nine months.

With his remote, he rewinds his surveillance camera to the
date of Mojo Kenyatta’s visit.
A wicked smile on his face, he watches the sexual encounter
between the First Lady and Mojo Kenyatta.

VICE PRESIDENT
I am a Grade A, government
certified, full-fledged, bona fide
motherfucker, and the next
President of the United States.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE VERANDA - DAY
The First Lady, JJ, and the Vice-President partake of a late
morning breakfast.

VICE PRESIDENT
A most excellent repast. A meal
properly prepared elevates the mood
as it satisfies the body’s needs.
(pause) Do you know what my
nickname was in high school?
JJ
Asshole?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 40.

VICE PRESIDENT
Quite the contrary. Sherlock. As in
Sherlock Holmes. The man who solves
the mysteries.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Mr. Vice President. Get to the
point. We all have busy schedules.

VICE PRESIDENT
Very well then. You and JJ stole
the million dollars and I can prove
it.
JJ
The only thing you can prove is
that when you drop your pants,
you’re a dickless bastard.
VICE PRESIDENT
You weren’t complaining six months
ago.
JJ
That’s before you caught the French
disease. Thanks for the dose.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Would you two stop squabbling. You
can prove nothing.
VICE PRESIDENT
Right. I’m an ignorant nigger, but
you ain’t sending me back to no
plantation. You are the mother of
JJ’s black assed baby. Mojo
Kenyatta is the father, and you
stole the million to buy a white
baby from...somewhere.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
(stunned)
JJ ?

JJ
His hang dog self came shufflin’
around my house night before last,
lookin’ like Mastah Mr. President
given him a first class whuppin’ in
the woodshed, so I took pity on the
poor fool and let him in for five
minutes. He got a look at Baby
James, but that don’t prove shit.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 41.

VICE PRESIDENT
I beg to differ. Shit proves shit.
When you weren’t looking I copped
his soiled diapers and had a DNA
test run on it. Our esteemed First
Lady is the mother of Baby James.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Of course you could find no match
as to paternal parentage.

VICE PRESIDENT
Quite the contrary. The father is
Mojo Kenyatta.
JJ
You a damned liar.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Mr. Vice President, with all due
respect, under a recent addition to
the Geneva Convention, to which
both the United States and Kenya
are signatories, it is illegal
under international law for any
country to maintain the DNA records
of any official from any other
country. Such an infraction would
incur severe economic sanctions.
Therefore, JJ is correct. You are a
damned liar.
VICE PRESIDENT
Nevertheless, the fact that I have
proof that you are the mother of
Baby James is enough to convince
the President that you stole the
million.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
If you go to the President, it will
be your death warrant.
VICE PRESIDENT
Not on your life.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Not on your life. Because you are
the father. I’ll say you raped me.
VICE PRESIDENT
Nice try, Mrs. Madeleine McAdams,
but I have a surveillance video
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 42.

showing you and Mojo Kenyatta
having sex on the floor of my
office.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Even nicer try, Reefer Rufus Rafer.
I have no doubt you have such a
video, but the room was darkly lit,
and all it will show is a big black
man in a tuxedo having sex with me.
I’ll say it was you, raping me.
JJ
Jesus Christ Maddy. Where did you
learn to play hardball?
MADELEINE MCADAMS
How do you think Madison got to be
President?

VICE PRESIDENT
I’m taking those diapers to Kenya
and I can prove paternity there.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
You can’t just disappear for a
week. You’re in the middle of a
presidential campaign. You’re
booked. The press will launch a
manhunt. I’ll tell the President
you’re sneaking off to Kenya to do
a side deal for their oil, to line
your own pockets. It’s impossible
for you to get away.
JJ
In other words, your black ass is
stymied.
VICE PRESIDENT
You let me worry about my own black
ass. You got enough to worry about
with your fat old thing.
JJ
And you couldn’t find yours with
both hands.

MADELEINE MCADAMS
Mr. Vice President, I believe you
know the way out.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 43.

JJ
This dumb ass bastard couldn’t find
his way out of a bathroom stall.
VICE PRESIDENT
You mark my words, ladies. This is
not over. I will be the President.
He storms out of the room.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
What do you think, JJ ? Are we in
the clear ?
JJ
I think so, but I’m not sure. I
keep getting this feeling that
there’s something we don’t know
about, and that he’s got another
trick up his sleeve.
MADELEINE MCADAMS
Like what?

JJ
Like I have no idea. But we’ll find
out.

INT. CAR - NIGHT
The Vice President drives a black Cadillac Escalade along a
bumpy dirt road through a heavy forest.

Beside him sits his son, MARVIN(21).
MARVIN
Tell me again why we have to fly to
Kenya tonight.

VICE PRESIDENT
It’s time you learned about your
roots.
MARVIN
I don’t think this is the way to
the airport.
VICE PRESIDENT
Shortcut.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 44.

MARVIN
Through the backwoods of Virginia?
You’re moon shining, and you got a
still stashed out here.

VICE PRESIDENT
Campaign finance is a tough
business.
MARVIN
Is it true that the women in Kenya
are beautiful, servile,
accommodating, and put out like
rabbits ?
VICE PRESIDENT
What’s wrong with the women at
Harvard?
MARVIN
They’re not women. They’re girls. I
like my women whose skirts are
higher than their IQ’s.

VICE PRESIDENT
Remember what Abe Lincoln said. A
woman can run faster with her
skirts up than a man can with his
pants down.

MARVIN
What’s that smell?
VICE PRESIDENT
Shit.
MARVIN
You should watch where you’re
stepping.

VICE PRESIDENT
I didn’t step in no dog pooh, boy.
It’s in my pocket.
MARVIN
Well get rid of it. It stinks.

VICE PRESIDENT
I can’t. We’re taking it to Kenya.
That’s why we’re going.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 45.

MARVIN
We’re going to Kenya to take shit
to Kenya. Are you crazy?
VICE PRESIDENT
I have to personally deliver it to
someone.
MARVIN
Who?

VICE PRESIDENT
The President of Kenya.
MARVIN
Wait a motherfucking minute. We’re
traveling all the way to Kenya so
you can personally deliver shit to
the President of Kenya.
VICE PRESIDENT
That’s what I said.

MARVIN
Why don’t you just Fed Ex it ?
VICE PRESIDENT
Don’t you know nothin’ boy? There
are customs regulations against
sending shit overseas.
MARVIN
So I’ve got to travel 24 hours and
10 thousand miles smelling dog
shit.

VICE PRESIDENT
It ain’t no dog shit. Who said it
was dog shit? This is some high
class baby shit.

MARVIN
Baby shit ! Whose baby?
VICE PRESIDENT
That’s a secret.

MARVIN
Don’t tell me !
VICE PRESIDENT
It’s not what you’re thinking.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 46.

MARVIN
I don’t know what I’m thinking, but
you’re delivering the First Lady’s
baby shit to the President of
Kenya? Is this your idea of some
kind of official government gift?
VICE PRESIDENT
It’s a lot more complicated than
that.

MARVIN
Well I ain’t going. I am not
smelling shit halfway around the
world. I don’t care whose baby it
is.

VICE PRESIDENT
Don’t worry. It’s almost dry. In an
hour you won’t be smelling nothin’.
MARVIN
Well that’s a relief. I’m sure the
President of Kenya will appreciate
that as well. Dry shit is so much
more...how shall I say
it..."elegant" than the wet and
stinky kind.

The car stops in front of a small cabin made of earth and
wood.
VICE PRESIDENT
We’re here.

The Vice President and Marvin walk to the door. The Vice
President knocks.
The door opens and there stands a heavy set black man in
denim overalls.

His features and build are identical to those of the
Vice-President.
The two identical twins lock eyes.

RUFUS
What you want ?
REEFER
Got to talk.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 47.

RUFUS
(looking at Marvin)
Who that?
REEFER
My son. Marvin.
RUFUS
Talk about what?
REEFER
I need your help.
RUFUS
Mama said so. (pause) Come in.

INT. LOG CABIN - NIGHT
An amber glow from the fireplace.
A floor of rough hewn wooden planks.

A dilapidated easy chair in front of the fire.
Rickety wooden chairs scattered throughout.
RUFUS limps to his chair and sits down.

Reefer and Marvin sit nearby.
REEFER
Your limp’s got bad.
RUFUS
Eighteen years on a chain gang will
do that to a man.
REEFER
I’m sorry about what happened.

RUFUS
Sorry ain’t nothin’. You got the
good breaks. I got the bad. That’s
life.

The Vice President offers an envelope.
REEFER
Here’s a thousand dollars.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 48.

RUFUS
Keep your money. I don’t need it.
REEFER
Marvin and I are flying to Africa
tonight.

RUFUS
So what?
REEFER
We’ll be gone a week. It’s a secret
mission. Nobody knows I’m going.
(pause) I need you to be the Vice
President for a week.
MARVIN
What?
REEFER
Shut up boy.
RUFUS
Mama always said you was a fool.
REEFER
So will you do it?
RUFUS
Don’t know. Got to think about it.
REEFER
All you got to do is make a few
speeches, and then hang around the
White House. Just do what my
Attache tells you to do. He thinks
I’m a dumb nigger, anyhow.
RUFUS
I ain’t no dumb nigger, nigger.

REEFER
I know you ain’t no dumb nigger.
Mama always said you was stronger
than me, and you was smarter than
me.

RUFUS
I know what Mama said, but she
ain’t here no more.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 49.

REEFER
You’ve got to do this for me,
brother.
RUFUS
I ain’t doin’ nothin’ for you. I be
doin’ it for Mama. She said this
day would come.
REEFER
So you’ll do it.

RUFUS
Yeah. I’ll do it. For Mama.
REEFER
Great. Okay. We got to switch
clothes and cars. Here’s my
official ID. You’ll be staying in
the Vice Presidential suite at the
White House. I’ve got a fake
passport for the trip. Marvin, put
the bags in your uncle’s car. Here.
Don’t forget this. (hands Marvin
wrapped diaper). And bring me in
the green bag.
Marvin exits and Rufus and Reefer exchange clothes.

Marvin re-enters, carrying a green bag, from which Reefer
takes an Afro wig, a pair of horn-rimmed glasses, and a fake
mustache.
He dons his disguise.

REEFER
How do I look?
MARVIN
Ridiculous.

REEFER
Good. Just the effect I want.
He turns to Rufus and shakes his hand.

REEFER
Thank you my brother.(pause) What
was that they called you on the
gang?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 50.

RUFUS
Hard As Nails.
REEFER
Right. Hard As Nails.

EXT. WHITE HOUSE - NIGHT
The black Cadillac Escalade pulls up to the main entrance.

Rufus walks up the steps, limping noticeably.
He stops in front of a young African-American Marine, who is
standing guard.
RUFUS
Evening soldier.
GUARD
Good evening, Mr. Vice President,
sir.

RUFUS
Cold night.
GUARD
Yes sir.

RUFUS
I seen colder.
GUARD
So have I, sir.

RUFUS
Where you from?
GUARD
Minnesota.

RUFUS
Never been. They tell me it gets so
cold there your piss freezes ’fore
it hits the ground.

GUARD
That has been known to happen, sir.
Thirty below ain’t nothin’ where
I’m from.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 51.

RUFUS
What’s your name, soldier?
GUARD
Corporal Lance Lincoln, sir.

RUFUS
You’re a good man, Lance Corporal
Lincoln.
GUARD
Sir, that’s Corporal Lance Lincoln,
not Lance Corporal Lincoln. It’s a
common mistake.
RUFUS
I respect a man who’s not afraid to
speak the truth. Where’s the Vice
Presidential suite?
GUARD
Sir?

RUFUS
You heard me. Where’s the Vice
Presidential suite?
GUARD
Uh...up to the top of the main
staircase, to the right, third door
on the left.
RUFUS
And his office?

GUARD
Top of the stairs, turn left, third
door on the right.
RUFUS
Thank you, Corporal Lance Lincoln.
Try to stay warm.
GUARD
Yes sir.

INT. WHITE HOUSE LOBBY - NIGHT
A bow-tied, bespectacled, buttoned-down little twerp
approaches Rufus.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 52.

ATTACHE
Where have you been? The Secret
Service was frantic. You must let
us know at all times of your
whereabouts. If you insist on
seeing one of your mistresses, it
is imperative that I be notified
well ahead of time, in writing, or
I shall have to inform the
President of your breach of
security procedures.

With one hand Rufus clutches the Attache’s neck.
RUFUS
Who you talkin’ to?

ATTACHE
I beg your pardon.
RUFUS
Don’t go beggin’ me no pardon. I
said who you talkin’ to?

ATTACHE
(gasping for air)
I’m talking to you. Isn’t that
obvious?

Rufus squeezes harder.
RUFUS
I said who you talkin’ to,
motherfucker.

ATTACHE
(choking)
I’m talking to the Vice President
of the United States.

RUFUS
You damn straight. Remember that,
unless you want to be cleaning
toilets in the White House
basement.

He lets loose.
ATTACHE
Yes sir. With all due respect sir,
I noticed you were limping. Did you
injure yourself?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 53.

RUFUS
Ain’t none of your damn business.
ATTACHE
No sir. I just thought you might
require medical attention.

RUFUS
Ain’t no medical attention be
fixin’ 18 years on a chain gang.

ATTACHE
I don’t understand. Oh. I get it. A
joke. Yes sir. Very funny. 18 years
on a chain gang. Very funny.
RUFUS
Ain’t nothin’ funny ’bout 18 years
on a chain gang.
ATTACHE
No sir. I take those things very
seriously. Yes I do.

RUFUS
What you know about a chain gang?
ATTACHE
Nothing sir. I was just saying...I
mean I was agreeing with you
that...well, as you know, the
President is working very hard to
eliminate all vestiges of racial
discrimination, particularly in the
Deep South...and...

RUFUS
Shut the fuck up and be in my
office eight o’clock tomorrow
morning.

ATTACHE
Yes sir. Right away sir. Eight
o’clock tomorrow morning. Sir.

INT. VICE PRESIDENTIAL OFFICE - DAY
The door opens and Rufus and the Attache enter.
Rufus limps across the room towards his desk.

The Attache follows two steps behind, mocking his limp.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 54.

Rufus stops, turns quickly and catches him in the act.
RUFUS
(with cold menace)
Did I ever tell you about
Rattlesnake Stan?

ATTACHE
No sir. I don’t believe so.
RUFUS
Meanest guard that ever was. Shot
Wee Willie right between the eyes
for looking at him sideways. Wee
Willie weren’t no sidewinder, but
he stayed dead.

ATTACHE
Wee Willie?
RUFUS
Biggest dick you ever seen. (pause)
What you got there?

He hands Rufus a sheet of paper.
ATTACHE
This is your schedule for the day.

Rufus scans the schedule.
RUFUS
Says here a speech to the Iron
Workers Union in an hour.

ATTACHE
Yes sir. One of our strongest
constituencies. I suggest you give
your standard speech on The Four
Points.

RUFUS
What are The Four Points?
ATTACHE
Really sir? You don’t remember The
Four Points? Are they too much for
you? Four is a big number.
Very slowly and calmly, Rufus places the paper on his desk,
turns back to the Attache, grabs him hard by the front of
his shirt and lifts him two feet off the ground.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 55.

RUFUS
Listen to me, you bucked tooth,
scrawny assed, lily livered, wall
eyed, needle nosed faggot son of a
bitch. I’ll slap the shit out of
your ass. You wouldn’t last five
minutes on the line before one of
the brothers fucked you in the ass
then slit your throat. Now I asked
you a straightforward question, and
you have two seconds to give me an
answer, before I throw you head
first out the window. Do you hear
me, sucker? One...
ATTACHE
(quickly)
Point one is that Kenya won’t sell
us their oil at the price we want.
Point two is the Arab Israeli
conflict. Point three is China’s
attempt to dominate the world.
Point four is international
terrorism.
Rufus tosses him aside like a rag doll.
RUFUS
Good. Call the limo. We’re going to
let the Iron Workers know what’s
up.
ATTACHE
Yes sir. Right away sir.

INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
The auditorium is filled to capacity.

Rufus loosens his tie, takes off his suit jacket and tosses
it aside, and rolls up his sleeves.
Polite applause.
RUFUS
Are you ready to talk?
CROWD
Hmmm.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 56.

RUFUS
I said are you ready to talk.
CROWD
(louder)
Yes.
RUFUS
I said are you ready to talk.
CROWD
(louder still)
Yeah.
RUFUS
All right. Now we be talkin’. I’m
startin’ with questions. Nothing
off limits. Give it to me right
between the eyes. Go.
A big black man, resembling Rufus, stands.

MAN ONE
Why you be limpin’?
Rufus stares at him intently.
RUFUS
You know why. Same as you.
The man sits.
MAN TWO
When will you officially declare
your candidacy for President of the
United States?
RUFUS
Right here. Right now. I’m running.
Ain’t no bones. Ain’t no two ways.

MAN THREE
Will President McAdams support your
candidacy?
RUFUS
Ask him. If he does he does. If he
don’t he don’t. Don’t make me no
never mind.
MAN FOUR
Have you discussed your decision
with the President?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 57.

RUFUS
Ain’t no need. I make my own
decisions.
MAN FIVE
Have you given any thought to a
running mate?
RUFUS
Bobby Gold, ’cept he’s dead.

MAN SIX
If you are elected, who will serve
in the official capacity of First
Lady?
RUFUS
My mama’s dead. Ain’t nobody else.
MAN SEVEN
Is there any truth to the rumor
that you and the First Lady’s
personal assistant, Jelsma Jones,
are romantically involved, and may
have marriage plans?
RUFUS
(abashed)
Ain’t no truth to that one.

MAN EIGHT
Could you please explain exactly
what you would do, if elected, to
solve the problems as stated in The
Four Points?
RUFUS
Thank you. I been waitin’ for that.
Point One. To the President of
Kenya. I will make you an offer you
can’t refuse. What do I mean? I
mean I will make you an offer you
can’t refuse. Point Two. The Arabs
and the Jews. Masters of the spoken
word. Abdul Abdullah. Op’ed his
mouth and words like water flowed
from off his tongue. Spoke poetry
easier than butter melting in the
noon day sun. We called him
Shakespeare in Chains, ’til
Rattlesnake Stan took him out, said
he didn’t like his high falutin’
ways. And Bobby Gold, the boy with
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 58.

RUFUS (cont’d)
the golden smile. I loved that boy.
The logic of his mind was sharper
than a clock, ’til Rattlesnake Stan
cleaned it out, said he didn’t like
his tickin’. Despite this facility,
neither Jew nor Arab knows the
meaning of "negotiate." Sit down
with me and you shall learn the
true sense of this word. The
Chinese. Smartest and toughest as
ever been. Slant Eyed Chin Chin.
Best fighter I ever seen. Never
lost a fight. Blind you in a flash
with two fingers to the eyes.
Rattlesnake Stan liked him.
Together they rolled snake eyes for
Bobby Gold, but we knew the dice
were loaded.

FLASHBACK. EXT. ALABAMA STATE PRISON - DAY

It is a blistering hot day.
Over 50 prisoners in the yard, chained together, bust rocks
with pickaxes.

The ground is dry, dusty and a dirty yellow.
BOBBY GOLD(19), a beautiful boy, smiles as he works.
Nearby, Rufus maintains a passive expression.

RATTLESNAKE STAN, the guard, tall, bone-thin, carrying a
rifle, wearing aviator shades, walks slowly by and spits on
the ground.
RATTLESNAKE STAN
(to an unchained trustee)
Unlock Bobby.
At gunpoint, Stan walks Bobby into a shed across the yard.
Without straightening up, Rufus follows with his eyes.

The trustee, SLANT EYED CHIN CHIN, also enters the shed.

59.

EXT. ALABAMA STATE PRISON - DAY
Time lapse of one hour.
Rattlesnake Stan emerges from the shed, tucking in his shirt
and buckling his belt.

Slant Eyed Chin Chin exits the shed, grinning.
His dirty yellow hands are red with blood.

INT. AUDITORIUM - DAY
RUFUS
Slant Eyed Chin Chin walked away,
when Stan took off his shades. I
got a postcard from Beijing. I know
you’re out there, Slant Eyed. You
and me’s got some reckonin’ to do,
for you and Stan be killin’ Bobby
Gold. Gamble with me now, and we
talkin’ real money, and I ain’t
about to lose. No billion dollars
here and there, but double T’s in
gold. You can haul the dragon out
and boogie woogie with your Peking
Duck, thinking you got the sweet
meat of the deal, but Uncle Rufus
and Uncle Sam keep the real tab.
MAN NINE
What about terrorism? The new kid
in the cave. They call him
"Down-to-the-Bone." Gives Osama bin
Laden the soles of his shoes.
RUFUS
This is for you,
"Down-to-the-Bone." They call me
"Hard As Nails." Are you talkin’ to
me about terrorism? I shared a bunk
with a man who chopped his seven
kids to bits, laughin’ all the
while, as he gobbled up their
parts. Stand and face me, man to
man, face to face, one on one, and
prove to me that you deserve
respect. I got nothin’ more to say.
MAN TEN
Sir, the Iron Workers Union of
America is proud to support you to
(MORE)
(CONTINUED)

A son of kenya

Recomendados

Recomendados

Más contenido relacionado

Destacado

Destacado (20)

A son of kenya