1. PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE DEFENSIVE BEHAVIORS
(a compilation of great ideas)
Listed below are some tips on how to find peace, restore balance, control
and harmony in your life while dealing with a passive-aggressive
individual. Although my original goal was the aforementioned, what
occurred is that by doing the following to take back my own life, the passive
aggressive person that I had to deal with actually started being more
cooperative, mature and helpful... Why?.. this will be explained along the
way.. One of the reasons I have created this page is that I cannot count
the number of times I have passed along this information via email so
rather than continue to do so, I decided to create this page...
1. Learn the behavior... inside and out.. read the various books recommended on
the site, the articles, links and of course as many of the archives that you can.......
The more you understand the behavior the more you will understand how the p.a.
"thinks"... By doing this you will "see" a game long before you get caught up in it
and react to it...(this behavior is extremely difficult to see because of the covert
and insidious nature of it) If you do not react strongly, you do not give the p.a. the
emotional control, nor do you give them the opportunity to turn the tides and focus
on your anger rather than on what the p.a. has or has not done. Also, learning the
behavior gives you the confidence you need to confront the behavior... The p.a.
relies on your self-doubt so that he/she CAN turn the focus on you.. Once you
know what you are dealing with and are confident in that fact they are less able to
instill the doubt and make you the wrong one and themselves the "injured" party...
2. Ignore as many of the games that you possibly can. Remember that the p.a. is
doing this for a lot of reasons; attention, victimhood, revenge ( from a real or
imagined slight from you). or just to show you that they do not have to do what
you want them to do...
If you do not react they do not get the reward they were seeking and eventually
stop the behavior. When you DO have to confront them, do it in a very calm
manner. Although the p.a. tries to anger you, they are afraid of strong emotions,
they view them as a sign of weakness and have no respect for you .
AVOID YELLING, RAISING YOUR VOICE, CRYING AT ALL COST.
If you stay in control, they only can "hear" you better; and they realize that you
are serious. Also, make sure that you can and will follow through with whatever
you say you will do.... They will call your bluff. Let them know that it isn't
personal... That it isn't a "payback" but that you cannot tolerate the offending
behavior and state the consequences if they do not quit.

2. 3. ACCEPT THE P.A. for what they are .. period... in doing this, you will find a new
peace has entered your life.. You will no longer struggle with frustration, anger and
resentment. Although they may have presented themselves very differently in the
beginning, know this is not who they really are, and stop trying to get them back
there... either by changing them or yourself... neither works... and the p.a. will
thwart any attempt ....
Although I have received some grief for suggesting this.... reduce opportunity for
the p.a. to play games... HOW.. by doing as much for yourself as you possibly
can.... Will there be some resentment? Yes, some.. but remember that the p.a.
sees you as authority.. the p.a. HATES expectations, so the more you try to
extract from them the harder they dig in their heels and either not do it at all, do it
slowly or mess it up... You end up angry and frustrated and the p.a. is the winner
of the p.a. game.
I am not suggesting that you do THEIR work, but if it is something that affects you,
then do it yourself or hire someone to do it.. otherwise all you end up with is just
one more arena for the p.a. to play the game in. Remember that in this area as in
most others you cannot win with them.. if you ask them to do something or
participate, they act put upon, if you do it yourself or exclude them they act put
out.. So make it easy on yourself and do what will make your life run more
smoothly in the end..
Also, take note of the ways in which the p.a. does hurt you... you can reduce
opportunity there as well by not asking them anymore... For example, if you ask
them to go somewhere with you and they either always refuse or act up when
they get there.. stop asking... The p.a. does eventually see that their behavior has
consequences not to mention they start feeling ostracized as well.
Know that the p.a. is aware of what they are doing most of the time, however,
sometimes it is knee jerk reactions and most of the time they will not understand
WHY they did it.. Their behavior is so ingrained and they are so out of touch with
their true feelings that it is difficult for them to know these things.
4. If you CAN, approach them in a calm, rational manner and point out that they
are participating in passive-aggressive behavior... This may help.. But there again,
you must do it in a way that is not attacking... Show them some articles, or point it
out each time it occurs, then state that you will not participate in it with them.
Eventually they will start to be aware of some of it and might think it worth looking
into for themselves.

3. Be consistent in the above.. that is important.. At first the p.a. probably will
step it up a bit because what once worked is not working any longer and they
do not understand why.. this is why it is even more important that you be
consistent...
As I originally stated.. I did not do all of this because I wanted the p.a. to
conform, or "trick" him into "behaving"...I did it simply because I needed to
find ways to eliminate the emotional control he had in my life... And this was
the only way I found that worked. In the end, because I did not play the
game, because he could no longer make me the bad guy, because he did not
get the attention or desired result from participating in the behavior, because
eventually he felt very ostracized because of it and realized that he could not
control or manipulate any more by participating in it he began to cooperate
more, act more mature and the games have subsided considerably...
Is he still P.A.? YES... will he still pull the rug out from under me.. if I let him..
and I let him by forgetting momentarily that he is p.a. and that he will
act like I would expect a mature, responsible adult to act..In his eyes
would be seen as me attempting to take advantage of him, tell him what to
do or control him and he would have to do something to put himself back in
the driver's seat.. i.e. act out passive-aggressively. .... For any REAL change
to occur, the p.a. needs to acknowledge that he/she has a problem, and seek
help.. Some may be able to achieve some progress on their own, but others
may need to enter therapy... If they do, I do NOT suggest that it be couple's
therapy.. The p.a. (as you are aware) has the uncanny ability to turn their
problem into YOUR problem and can do this just as easily in therapy as they
can in the home...
Make sure that the therapist is well aware of passive-aggressive behavior. You
would not believe how many times I have been told (and experienced myself)
that the therapist fell for the p.a. tricks also...
DEFUSING/COPING AND SELF-PROTECTION
This is a two-part section. A. is a list of suggestions from "Living with the P.A.
Man." that individuals may want to implement in an effort to defuse the
passive-aggressive behavior.
This is not a complete list, and suggest that you read the book for more detail.
Also in this section are suggestions from Dr. Simon from his book, "In Sheep's

4. Clothing." Please refer to that book also for more detail.
Part B. are suggestions from the on-line group members on how to cope and
protect oneself from the consequences of p.a. behavior.
PART A: (from "Living with the Passive-Aggressive Man")
Set boundaries, confront obvious lies, unravel ambiguities. Let the p.a. know
how far things can go and what is acceptable and unacceptable in how they treat
you.
Be clear about what you want. Communicate that you will not be treated
cavalierly or with disrespect. Be specific about what bothers you...Tone is
important.so do not be vindictive or authoritarian. Do not use ultimatums you
cannot enforce....
Find a balance between encouraging the p.a.(s) sense of power, independence
& choice and supporting him/her when they feel weak and dependent. Remind
them that they have a range of options from which to choose, do not force or tell
them what to do. Give them the power of choice.
When dealing with submerged hostility, bring it into the open, convince the p.a.
that it is okay to be angry. The p.a. needs help articulating what they are angry
about. Do not retaliate. Do not attempt to humor the person out of anger. Use
"Feelings Reports" - a description of a person's state of mind.
Confront the behavior not the character...("I feel," not "you did this.") If this
person hurts you let them know. Use tactful confrontation. Be level-headed, do
not use wild threats and recriminations.
Attempt to use "fair fighting." Do not let the p.a. get you off the subject.
Help teach this person that they can face trouble and conflict and have both dignity
and power.
To change the p.a. needs an opportunity for trust to develop...let them talk and
express themselves. Don't psychoanalyze them or belittle them for not confessing
enough. Don't make them feel inferior by giving them examples of how you would
say something. Take the little indirect hints they provide about what they want and
respond to them. Empathize with how they feel, and don't make your affection
contingent on how they behave.

5. Do not avoid conflict by playing their game. (p.a.)
If the p.a. is being especially difficult while out socially, let them know how it
affects others. Talk about the issue... If still pouting after your attempts,
acknowledge their feelings but discourage the pouting. And make plans to have a
social life with or without him, without any guilt from your part.
( the following is from "In Sheep's Clothing" which addresses covert-aggression -
see how/why page for an explanation of the difference between p.a. and c.a.)
ACCEPT NO EXCUSES: don't buy into any of the reasons someone may offer for
covertly aggressive behavior. If someone's behavior is inappropriate the rationale
they offer is irrelevant. Confront inappropriate behavior directly and label it for
what it is.
JUDGE ACTIONS, NOT INTENTIONS: never try to "mind-read" or second-guess
why somebody is doing something. There is no way for you to really know, and
in the end it's irrelevant. It is a good way to get sidetracked. Judge the behavior
itself. If what a person does is harmful in some way, pay attention to and deal with
that issue.
BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF: Know and "own" your own agendas. Be sure of
what your real needs and desires in any situation are.
SET PERSONAL LIMITS: Becoming more empowered in interpersonal interactions
necessarily involves setting two kinds of limits on behavior. 1) you must decide
what kinds of behavior you will tolerate. 2) you must decide what kind of action
you are both willing and able to take in order to take better care of yourself.
MAKE DIRECT REQUESTS & REQUEST DIRECT RESPONSES: Be clear about what
you want. Use "I" statements. Avoid generalities. Be specific about what it is you
dislike, expect or want from another person. Whenever you don't get a clear,
direct, to-the-point answer, ask again. Don't do it in a hostile way, but respectfully
assert the issue you raised.
WHEN CONFRONTING THIS BEHAVIOR, KEEP THE WEIGHT OF RESPONSIBILITY ON
THE AGGRESSOR: When confronting someone about inappropriate behavior, keep
the focus on whatever they did to injure, no matter what diversionary tactics they
might use to keep you off base.
WHEN YOU CONFRONT, AVOID SARCASM, HOSTILITY, & PUTDOWNS: Aggressive

6. personalities are always looking for excuses to go to war and they perceive
"attacks" on their egos as precisely the justification they need. Attacking their
character "invites" them to begin using their offensive tactics such as denial,
selective inattention or blaming others.
AVOID MAKING THREATS: Making threats is always an attempt to manipulate
others into changing their behavior while avoiding making assertives changes for
oneself. Never threaten. Just take action. Don't counter-aggress, just do what
you need to protect yourself and secure your own needs.
SPEAK FOR YOURSELF: Use "I" statements and don't pretend to speak for anyone
else, i.e. the children. Have the courage to stand up for what you want openly and
directly.
STAY IN THE HERE AND NOW: Focus on the issues at hand. Don't bring up past
issues or speculate about the future. And, don't let the aggressor steer you away
either.
MAKE REASONABLE AGREEMENTS: Make agreements that are appropriate, reliable,
verifiable and enforceable.
BE PREPARED FOR CONSEQUENCES: Always remain aware of the
covert-aggressor's determination to be the victor. It is important to be prepared
for this, and to take appropriate action.
TAKE ACTION QUICKLY: Aggressive personalities lack internal brakes. If you are
going to successfully engage them, get a word in edgewise, make an impact, then
you need to act at the first sign that they are on the march. Be ready to
immediately confront and respond to one of their tactics. Move quickly to remove
yourself from the one-down position and establish a balance of power.
Educate yourself - knowledge is power.....
Let them know when they have said or done something hurtful, use the form:
“When you.......(say or do X)
"I feel..."
Because:----(describe the impact of his behavior on you)
If they say something absurd - repeat it back to them, "So what you are saying
is..." as many times as they say the absurd proposition. This lets you retain your

7. power and control....
Remember that revealing the importance of your wants/needs may only backfire
on you. Don’t provide information about how badly you want something, so you
can avoid sabotage from this p.a. person.
Realize they want a strong reaction from you so the focus will be off of them and
on your anger ... stay calm.
When you see/feel a "game" coming on.... walk away, stop the conversation, do
whatever it takes not to become involved in the game. Go for a walk, do the
dishes, go grocery shopping, have always some urgent task to be done that
removes you from the house. Remember that their goal is to manipulate and
control you and the situation.
When it is a matter of importance, stay calm and rational, tell them what the
consequences of their actions will be, stick to your guns.....
They function under intense fear....
Some of what they do is not deliberate - but most of what they do is.
Change can only occur if the p.a. recognizes that THEY have a problem and
seek professional help.
DIVORCED WITH CHILDREN suggestions:
Distance yourself (physically & emotionally) as much as possible to protect
yourself.....
Assume full responsibility (physically & emotionally) for the children -- rarely ask
for their support.....
If support is needed, DO NOT reveal the importance of their support or they will
not help. Make sure they know they have a choice and you have other options as
well. (this is not a game..make sure you do have other options...)
Do not give them any opportunity to "Pull the rug out from under you." If they
are on "best behavior" do NOT relax and assume this will continue... If they sense
this, they WILL revert to p.a. tricks.....

8. If p.a. tricks extend to the children - TAKE A VERY FIRM STAND and let them
know exactly what the consequences will be. DO NOT BACK DOWN.
IN ALL AREAS of your life let them know unequivocally that you will not play their
games any longer.........
WHEN TO CUT YOUR LOSES
Have you set deadlines for improvement that have passed? Is this person
harmful to your mental health or your ability to function? If so, consider firing him
or breaking off the relationship.
Cutting ties gradually or remaining friends with a passive-aggressive doesn't
work. He will reform just enough to draw you close again, then fall back into old
patterns. Physical distance without contact is the only way to make an effective
break.
If you are in an office situation where firing the passive-aggressive or quitting
yourself isn't an option, then keep him at a distance. Don't let him interfere with
your productivity or work environment. Protect yourself and your interests.
● *Stop fixing things for him or getting caught up in the details of his
screw-ups. Allow him to fail. Perhaps he will be fired or transferred.
● *Use daily memos to document your accomplishments. On joint projects
with him, describe in detail the allocation of responsibilities.
● *Never rely on him in a crisis. He is the person most likely to freeze or
withdraw when you need someone to act fast and wisely.
HOW TO DEFEND YOURSELF AGAINST PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE PEOPLE
by Scott Wetzler, PhD
A colleague disagrees with you over his role in a new project. He says
nothing.. then a week later badmouths you to a major client.
You make romantic overtures to your spouse before bed. She isn't
interested. Instead of responding nicely, she says, "Don't you have to get up
very early tomorrow morning?"
Passive-aggressiveness is a destructive personality disorder. All of us used
this behavior when we were children to rebel against authority. However,

9. some people never outgrow it. They sabotage marriages and/or
careers-preying on spouses, children and coworkers.
Most of us occasionally lapse into passive-aggressive behavior as adults.
This is especially true in situations where we have little control or have to deal
with large bureaucracies or a domineering boss or spouse. We do such things
as ignore orders or skirt rules because it makes us feel powerful.
Passive-Aggressiveness results from feeling powerless and fearful. As the
name suggests, people with the disorder strike out passively because they
want to cause you pain and are afraid to show anger.
SOME ESPECIFIC PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE STYLES
*Manipulators make uncertain commitments. They create confusion and
blame others for misinterpreting the mixed messages they send.
*Promise-makers rarely follow through. They procrastinate, then artfully
evade responsibility for their actions.
*Reality-twisters turn situations around so that THEY are the victims suffering
YOUR anger and discontent, no matter how wrong they are.
*Sulkers regard you as overbearing and controlling if you offer useful
suggestions for them to help themselves.
MANAGING A PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE
*Set boundaries. Be clear about what behavior is acceptable to you. Enforce
the rules, or he/she won't take you seriously.
Example: Your spouse constantly writes checks without registering
them in the checkbook. Each time there is an overdraft, you have to
straighten out the account at the bank. Tell him how his actions bother YOU.
Say, "It's humiliating for me to fix these mistakes. I feel that you're being
disrespectful to me." Then explain the consequences. Say, "I can no longer
keep our checkbook alone. You will have to help."
Avoid sweeping criticisms. They provoke defensive and unproductive
responses. Stay specific. Keep your tone firm, but don't make him feel that
you're being vindictive or authoritarian.
Beware: Passive-Aggressive people have an unerring instinct for tapping the

10. weak spot in your willpower, so stick to your standards of acceptable
behavior.
*Maintain self-control. A passive-aggressive person needs an adversary to
make him feel powerful. If you retaliate with threats and recriminations, you
reinforce his behavior.
Example: You and your spouse are shopping for a new home. You
want your spouse's input, but she keeps making sarcastic, evasive remarks. If
you get upset and say, "Why am I wasting my time even looking with you?"
then your spouse has sucked you into her behavior. She now can play the
victim and say, "Can't you take a joke? Why are you jumping all over me?
Buying a house is supposed to be a team effort. Why are you ruining it?"
Instead of focusing on her anger, listen for feelings of fear and powerlessness.
Ask yourself, "Why is my spouse being so evasive? Is she worried about the
money or te move?" Confront her in nonthreatening ways. Tell her how her
words make you feel. Say, "Discussing the house is important to me. When
you make jokes, it upsets me - I think you're not interested. It would be
helpful to me if you would talk about your thoughts on moving."
Beware: Passive-aggressive people cloud issues with petty arguments. Stay
focused and restate your point.
Helpful: If you can't talk without overreacting, write your feelings in a note
that your spouse can read in a neutral setting later.
*Make the passive-aggressive feel valued. Remind him of his strengths and
the opportunities available to him.
Example: Your colleague loses out on a promotion. He responds by
skipping in important meeting. Instead of allowing him to sabotage his job
and your department, point out the constructive choices he can make. He
could use the situation as a catalyst to get a new job with a company that
better appreciates his talents, or he could continue his good performance and
perhaps get a shot at another promotion.
*Get the passive-aggressive to express his anger appropriately. If he learns to
express anger constructively, you both will benefit. If he does open up, avoid
criticizing. This also might be a good time to suggest that he consider
psychological counseling.